In soccer I was a defensive player, ain’t no one getting to my goal (okay, I wasn’t that good – but I tried). But in life, I’ve seemed to be on the offensive lately.

Moving to Greenville was a big moment for me. I was moving to a place where I didn’t know anyone and I’d have to make a whole new set of friends. This wasn’t scary, I was out going and even though he was long distance, Joel as my boyfriend gave me some confidence that I’d at least have someone other than my mom to text.

And it went really well. I made a ton of friends – some closer than others, but I had people to do things with when I needed them. Again, the long distance boyfriend helped because he was visiting me or I was visiting him to fill up a lot of weekends and netflix to fill up the weeknights. Greenville was also full of people like me who were new to town and looking for friends, so community get togethers for people new to town were common.

But when I got engaged, I dropped completely off the Greenville social map because I’d be leaving soon anyways. I was interacting with my bridesmaids constantly about the wedding so that filled my thoughts and my calendar.

Once I moved to Montgomery my whole life shifted. It was me and Joel against the world. Apparently only me and Joel, and the world didn’t seem to be bothered too much. I experienced a kind of loneliness I’d never encountered before…

I guess I should have been expecting major life change after getting married and all. There are awesome things about marrying an introvert, but moving to a town where he had lived for a year and a half to find out that he had no real community yet was not something I was expecting. He was happy with his social interactions and he loved the people around him, but he didn’t feel the need to reach out for time with others. As the extroverted one in the relationship the was hard. I wanted people around. I needed a group of local friends.

Luckily Joel was set up for success as the husband of someone who needed people, because I found my way in from one of his work connections into a great bible study. Almost all of my relationships to people our age have been made through this group. But it was different. It had been going for a while, and I felt like the newbie. For the very first time in my life I was the outsider. No one knew me or even seemed like they wanted to get to know me.

Or so it felt. Little did I know at the time that a lot of those people had just joined themselves. Sure, some were Montgomery natives, most had other social connections that brought them together, but these women were nothing but welcoming. It was my view of every interaction that was distorted.

Honestly, I’ve met some Reginas here in Montgomery. I’ve had interactions were the cold shoulder wasn’t completely in my head. Where a little manipulation was probably at play. But not nearly as many of the times that I thought something was going on, was there actually something going on. And someone may view my actions in a negative light, and I’m so sorry if I’ve treated someone with anything but warmth.

I’ve let the lack of an invitation break me down to tears. I’ve let the curt conversations keep me up at night. I’ve over and over again chosen to be offended or hurt by snap chats or instagrams of “everybody having fun without me” as if it were intentional.

In reality I’m the queen of the “we should hang out!!!” and never following through. Constantly waiting on others to invite me. I’m waiting on my engraved invitation that should say “I really do want to be your friend!” instead of reaching out to others who I’m suddenly realizing are in the same position.

I was frozen by rejection. I was stuck in an offensive state. I was lacking in understanding.

I’ve never had to work to have friends before. But I realize adulthood can fly by unless you reach out to others. We aren’t in classes 8 hours a day together. I’m not passing people in the hall and throwing a note in their direction. If I wanted to go days without speaking to anyone, it wouldn’t be difficult. I’ve never wanted that, but I’ve let myself fall into this pattern of loneliness because I haven’t made an effort. I’ve expected others to find a way to fit me into their busy schedules, without making room on my own.

So today the offense stops. Today I’m going to be joyful about every interaction I’m blessed with and I’m going to put in the work to bless others with time and attention. (Hopefully not in a creepy way, I’m going to try and not be offended if you tell me to leave you alone, I’ll understand!) Let’s be real friends!

Please no one read into this discussion of loneliness as a lack of something in my marriage. Joel and I are great, and I truly married my best friend. My first post Blogs are the Best  explains my views on this subject of “me” versus “we” in a little more detail.